163.2

Same weight as day before yesterday. I can't complain! For our anniversary dinner, I practiced several of the techniques that Judith Beck talks about in the Beck Diet Solution. So today I'm feeling pretty good about things and back on program.

First, I decided since it was my anniversary that I was going to enjoy the meal, just not go crazy. I heard the bread was wonderful at this place but when I tasted it, it was just OK. It was more of a biscuit actually. Normally I would have pigged out but I ate 2 then stopped. There were peanuts but I only had 10-12. Normally I would have eaten a ton of them (while waiting for the food to be brought to the table). The Caesar salad was good, kind of larger than I'd expect. But I was mindful of how packed with calories it was so I practiced the skill of not eating everything and left part of it uneaten. (This is a huge skill to master for anyone with weight problems.)

I ordered the Portabello chicken with a baked potato. A good choice though the chicken breast was rather large. So again, I didn't eat all of it. The baked potato was not as large but rather normal sized. I ate all of it and added only a touch of sour cream, a few strands of cheese, and no bacon. I passed on dessert.

So all in all, I feel like I've really practiced some new habits that will help me keep my weight off. I was able to make comparisons to how I would have eaten before and give myself lots of credit (again a Beck tool) for not losing control and eating everything brought to the table, yet still enjoying the meal. Moderation is a skill to be learned.

Later in the evening we went to the track to do some speed work. All the while I reminded myself that had I really pigged out I would never have been able to go to the track. So my confidence in maintaining weight loss got a big boost last night.

If you've never read the Beck book, (and had weight/food issues), you probably cannot understand how significant last night's dinner was. It demonstrated to me that I am thinking about food in a more healthy way and not leaning towards the behaviors that caused me to gain weight in the first place. I demonstrated to myself that my thinking is changing and I am hopeful that in the future I can continue to build on this until one day I can be "healthy" in how I deal with food.

The other night a friend of mine made the comment that I spend a lot of time thinking about food. I suppose I do but the alternative is to not think about it, just stuff it in. Until I can master the skills I need to that will allow me to stop this yo-yo weight problem, I can't set my mind on "cruise control" when I'm dealing with food. I do have to put a lot of thought into it to assure I';m making good choices and not falling into bad habits. Because that's where my "cruise control" is set, and has been for many years, on those bad habits that give me instant gratification, make me feel food for only a few moments, and keep me over weight.

Once I have my "cruise control" reprogrammed for eating and thinking about food like a normally thin person, then I suspect I won't spend so much time thinking about it. Actually I don't obsess about food that much as long as I'm on my program and doing my normal every day stuff. It's when I find myself in the occasional situation where I have the opportunity to derail all my progress. It's like an alcoholic walking past a liquor store and the whiskey is on sale, stacked deep and selling cheap. During those times, I'm at war with my natural tendencies to live in the moment, stuff myself, then deal with the guilt later by stuffing myself some more.

I know I'm not alone with these thoughts and habits. There are millions of "us" out there. I'm just talking about it in a public forum because not only am I showing myself that I can do it, I'm saying anyone else can too. It isn't easy (and those not afflicted with the disease cannot really understand), but it's so worth it. So I'll leave you with this parting thought: I rock!

162.4

Wow - that was a surprise this morning when I stepped on the scale. I never thought it would drop even lower. I'm pretty sure it will come back up some tomorrow since I'm going out to dinner for my anniversary tonight.

I got a copy of the menu and have already planned to order either the grilled chicken breast or a (single) grilled pork chop. I'll get it served with a baked potato and salad. I'll probably go with a Caesar salad (splurge). That sounds pretty reasonable until I add that this restaurant makes home made bread and I plan on having several pieces of bread. I love bread. I know it's a sin to love bread but send me to hell in a hand basket because I've always loved bread, will always love bread, and will never stop eating (or loving) bread. OK, just so you get it, I do enjoy the bread!

The thing I will practice tonight (I hope) is portion control. I do have a history of going totally nuts over bread, but tonight I hope to keep it within reason. Actually, is is NOT AN OPTION to got totally nuts. Just have some, not all.

Later on, we're going to the track to do some speed work. That way I can burn off a few of those calories I'm taking in and just knowing I'm going to the track should help me not eat until I'm too full. That's the plan anyway, hopefully it will work.

163.2

Today's slight drop in weight brings me to an even 23 pounds weight loss! That's pretty exciting because I was doubting if I would ever see these numbers again.

The thing about my weight loss this time is that it isn't as dramatic as when I lost 60 or 100 pounds. Those losses produced dramatic changes and people were always noting the change and complimenting me on the accomplishment. But this lesser amount, especially on someone tall like I am, is more subtle. I think it's like people see me and think something is different but can't quite put their finger on what it is for sure.

Some people (though few) have commented that I've lost weight (thank you all) but most have not noticed at all. Even though it's been huge for me. I've changed sizes and seen changes in my body. I compare it to that new Hefty garbage bag commercial. It's the one where the lady keeps filling it up with more and more stuff and it continues to stretch and stretch, adding more distortion until it's totally out of shape. I'm looking less distorted these days.

Carrying around extra weight caused my jaw line to be more rounded, covered my muscles with more fat, causing me to look less toned (and it's not like I'm really toned to begin with). My face looked fuller. Since my waist was overly stuffed I'd lost my feminine curves. I'm seeing that my body curves in at the waist and out at the hips again.

My clothes fit so much better. My waist bands are no longer tight and my belly roll has been dramatically reduced, suggesting perhaps a total elimination one day. My back fat is about half what it was 23 pounds ago. I can see and feel my collar bones again too!

So there have been many changes and I hope to see many more. But most of all, I hope to keep them for the rest of my life!!!

163.4

I was soooo pleased to see that I reached a new all time low weight this morning. I never would have thought it would happen (although yesterday I had a good indication that it was possible). Now my challenge will be to get out of the 160's all together!

While we were away on vacation, during all this stress of not being able to eat correctly, it did seem as if my body was moving around. I really did feel like things were shifting. I actually think I can see some muscles that were hidden before too. It's a promising thing, I just hope it continues.

We were supposed to go for a 5 miler this morning (because we can't go this evening) but didn't get up in time to beat the heat. So I guess we'll go tomorrow.

My left kidney is hurting me so I hope I'm not getting a kidney stone. I just want to eat right and exercise. And I don't want anything to get in my way of that. Focus . . . focus . . . focus.

.

I got home this afternoon. I thought for sure the first thing I would do was to step on the scale, but once I got home I didn't think about it for a couple hours. Then I remembered. So I stepped on the scale, fully dressed, mid afternoon. My weight was 4 tenths above my morning weight the day we left for vacation. I thought that was promising, maybe even a good thing. Now I'll just weigh in the morning like I normally would and see what happens.

While we were gone we kept to our running schedule so I'm sure that helped compensate for the times I over ate. I also tried to mitigate damages by reducing calories elsewhere during the day.

I have to say that I think I want to avoid being in another situation where I was at other people's "mercy" in terms of what's available to eat. I hated that feeling. It stressed me out. I've worked too hard to lose weight to let something like that cause me to be derailed. But now having that experience, I'll be on guard for it to happen sometime in the future. I'm not sure what I'll do about it, but at least it won't catch me by such a surprise.

So now I'm back home, back on program and waiting to see what I weigh tomorrow.

.

I have so much to say about the past 3 days in terms of my dieting but I'm not sure my Internet connection will hold out to fully go into it. But suffice it to say that not being able to follow my program, or any program for that matter, was very stressful. I would like to say I did the best I could but the truth is that I ate more than I should have. I did make the best choices available to me most of the time but I ate way past feeling full.

I learned a lot about myself during these past few days. One of the things I learned was that if I was not following my program, food was on my mind all the time. And I was stressed about it too. I hated feeling out of control. We were with other people and it wasn't totally up to me where I would eat. It really sucked.

And talk about food pushers! I can't even start talking about it because like I said, I'm not sure this Internet connection will last. But tomorrow I will be home and I can weigh in. Pray for me!

.

Eating has been a real challenge lately. The other night I ate the fish & chips, just what I did not want to do! All 5 people at our table ordered it so I gave in to my temptation. But then the following day we ran 10 miles so I am sure that helped. Last night we ended up at Olive Garden and I did fairly well but still ended up over my limit by 60 calories for the day.

It's so hard to do what I want to do when we're with other people and I have to take into consideration that they do not want to eat Subway for every meal. I brought low calorie food but we're never at the trailer to eat it. Not sure what will happen today. We're headed to Mt. Rainier shortly.

I do feel better since I got a run in yesterday. I hope I'm not gaining any weight - breaking even would be a good goal for right now. I have a lot to talk about but no time for now.

.

We're in Washington (state) for a few days, then we'll head back home. We're going to take 3 days to get home. During this travel time my eating challenges have been limited to the urge to snack during long travel days. I did eat a few snacks but I figured them within my calorie plan for the day. Tonight however, we're going to dinner with hubby's brother and wife so potentially I will over eat.

Luckily we're going to a fish restaurant. I do like some fish but I'm not a huge "fish fan" if you know what I mean. So my over eating temptations will probably be limited to any bread that might be served with the fish and if I end up having anything battered or fried. I do like fish & chips but what could have more calories? Nothing, it's probably the worst choice I could make.

Anyway, whatever damage I might do tonight (and hopefully I'll exercise reason and good choices) should be mitigated by the fact we're planning on running 10 miles in the morning. However, the reality is that the run will burn just over 1,000 calories and making bad choices could be a much higher price tag. But, I don't often do this type of thing.

The one thing I have to remember is that next week hubby and I are going out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary. And I did eat that big spinach calzone a couple weeks ago too. That's 3 "splurges" in a month. I usually limit myself to 1 splurge per month. In July I didn't have any splurges so hopefully it will "average out".

Oh, I'm just babbling on and on aren't I? You can tell I have some stress over going off my plan. I guess as long as I continue to lose weight I shouldn't get too bothered about it.

OLD ME: Splurge all day long and eat everything I can for the 1 day I'm "off" my diet.
NEW ME: Reduce calories at other meals to compensate for over eating during special occasion. In addition, have increased exercise the following day.

I choose the New Me!!

165

A bit up today . . . my last weigh-in for a week since we're traveling. No worries though, just a normal fluctuation. Today went well in terms of my eating but my exercise has been zilch. Just sitting in the Expedition all day long . . . going down the road . . . mile after mile . I do have to give myself credit though because the boredom of traveling used to be grounds for me to over eat. But not now - hurrah!

164.6

I had a nice experience on Friday when we went to pick up our volunteer t-shirts for the Xterra triathlon the following day. I got a large sized shirt like I normally do. But before we drove away I tried it on and found that it was way too big. I went back and switched it for a medium. That felt really good. The other thing I've noticed lately is that the shorts I bought earlier in the summer are a lot looser. Next summer I might not even be able to wear them. I can only hope : )

164.6

Disclaimer: I usually don't write about the same subject in both my blogs, but this is so appropriate (and shocking) that I had to put it here too. So if you already read about this in my other blog, I apologize for the duplication. It rarely, if ever, occurs.

I was planning on treating myself to some new bras as soon as I reached my goal weight. But the need is becoming so great that I just didn't know if I could put it off that long. So I thought that perhaps I could purchase a few "transitional" bras to hold me over (and up) until I reached my goal weight, at which time I would bar no expense and go bra shopping.

So what happened was that I was in Mervyn's and decided to check their clearance rack for a couple new bras. Not sure what size I wore now days, I tried on several and settled quite happily for a 38C. Since there was only one in that size that I liked, I decided to wander over to Dillard's to see if they had any on clearance. And that decision has changed my life forever!

I rummaged through the Dillard's clearance rack and found one I liked. I tried it on and thought it fit even better than the one I bought at Mervyn's. It was a 40C. When I went to pay for it, the lady took one look at the size, shook her head and proclaimed,

"This is huge, it's way too big for you".

I explained that I tried it on and it fit perfectly. At this point she offered to do a professional fitting for me. Not seeing the need, I said I didn't need it because, I assured her, this one fit great. Looking at the size again, she glanced at Bob (looking for help in persuading me) and said she would be happy to sell it to me but it was definitely way too big. However, if that's what I really wanted she would be happy to ring it up. So after some encouragement from Bob, I decided to have her fit me, (just to prove her wrong).

So we went inside the dressing room and I took off my top (after advising her I was fully aware my current bra was ill fitting). She looked at my current bra and grabbed the back and said,

"This is so loose you could pack your lunch back here".

OK, maybe she had a point. It was loose. She also observed I'd lost "a lot" of weight. That last remark bought her a lot of credibility. So she measured me, (showing me the tape measure so I could witness the error of my ways myself) then left the room and came back with (are you ready for this) a 36DD. AND IT FIT! Not only did it fit, my "girls" are north of the equator again!! I swear it even made my waist look smaller and put color in my cheeks!

She explained how I was wearing my old bras all wrong. The straps were too loose so there was no lift, the band was too big, so the straps had to be lose or the back would ride up. Now however, a miracle . . . I feel like a fashion model! So now I tell you, if you have never been fit before, or even if it's been a long time . . . go to Dillard's or Nordstrom's and get professionally fit for a bra. A professional fit made Oprah a believer and now I'm one too. A proper fitting bra will take years off your appearance and your "girls" will thank you!

In case you're wondering, I ended up buying one (black) clearance bra, one (beige) full price bra ($50), then went to Mervyns and returned the one I purchased earlier and bought 3 more on sale, this time the right size.

I went home and threw out all my wrong sized bras. Once I meet my goal, I'll go shopping again, but in the mean time, it's heads up for me and "my girls".

164.4

Wow . . . two days in a row! Here's hoping it's there for my "official" weigh in tomorrow.

Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I decided to try on my jeans, the ones I still have left anyway. I didn't get rid of all my jeans because I don't want to buy new ones until I reach my goal weight. And on the chance that it is no longer "shorts weather" when that happens, I held on to about 5 pair so I would have something to wear. After all, jeans can be expensive and I didn't want to waste money on any "transitional" jeans.

So, I tried them on and was surprised that with the exception of 1 pair, I can pull them all the way off without undoing the zipper. The last time I wore them (a few I could no longer wear at all) they were so tight I was contemplating buying a larger size. Many of the jeans have some Lycra in them so they were stretched as far as they could stretch (before). Now they're not stretched at all. My problem has always been in the waist. I have to buy the size that fits my waist, even if that makes them bigger in the legs. And since I have no butt, they never fit right in the back. Luckily, I don't have to see that view - ha! ha!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the day I am at my goal and I can go shopping for some new jeans. Because that's the day I'll know "I've arrived"!

164.4

Holy Crap! I can't think of a more dignified, more mature response besides that. So I'll say it again . . . Holy Crap . . . 164.4 . . . . that's only 9.4 pounds away from my goal!!! A single digit number!!!

OK, now that I'm over the shock of it, I have to wonder if it is a one day thing or if it will be there tomorrow too. Isn't that funny, I am always in such a state of disbelief whenever the scale actually reflects my hard work and effort. I guess that's because it just seems too good to be true.

Lately, I find myself comparing how it actually feels to have lost over 20 pounds (21.8 to be exact) and how I thought it would feel to be at this point. I never thought it would make my running easier to the extent that it has, but on the flip side, I thought I'd "feel" thinner.

In many (probably most) ways I still feel 186.2 pounds, although I can touch my chin, arms, legs, stomach and feel and see there is a big change. I think my body image is still at 186.2 because I'm still surprised when smaller clothes fit or when I notice something I've worn "forever" is suddenly baggy or just plain too big.

I remember something that happened a few years ago (November 2001 to be exact). We went to Greece and I was very unhappy with myself because I had gained weight. I felt like nothing fit and questioned if I would have problems accommodating my weight on the flight or during the vacation. (Since that time, I added many more pounds.) Then, about a year ago, I ran into a picture of myself taken during that vacation. I was truly shocked to see that I looked thin in the picture. I recalled the feelings I had concerning my weight at the time. I really felt like I was very over weight (borderline obese) and here was a picture of a tall, thin person. How can this be?

The last time I wore the pants in the picture was probably during that vacation. The pants I had on, when I felt so extremely fat, would no longer even go over my hips. So if I was fat before what had I now become?

You have to keep in mind that I've weighed as much as 230 in my life. I've weighed as little as 130 (as an adult). I was 130 when I got divorced and thought I looked really good although I was unable to maintain that weight). Later I shot back up to around 205, then went to Weight Watchers and reached my lifetime goal weight of 157. I reached that goal in May 2001. My mother died in August of the same year, then my gain started.

By November, the Greece vacation, I felt obese. OK, so there you have the time line. So I really have no idea how much I weighed during the Greece vacation, although I could look it up, I kept a file on the computer.

OK, now that I remembered the file, I'm going to look it up AND try on the pants that I wore on the vacation (they are packed away). Hold on while I do these 2 things . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . hang on . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OK, I found the pants . . . . . The results:

I can put the pants on and zip them up but they do feel a bit snug. So I can understand why I felt so fat in pants that felt a bit snug. Could I endure a flight as long as the one to Greece in pants that felt snug? (Apparently I did.) Now, how much did I weigh on the day I left for that vacation. I looked it up on an Excel file I have that listed my weights every day for 2001, 2002, 2003 (when I stopped recording it and apparently totally lost control). Of course, that begs the question as to why I ever maintained this information in a permanent format anyway, but now I know the answer to my question: 164. I weighed .4 less than I do this very day. I had gained exactly 7 pounds from my Weight Watcher's goal weight, when I felt thin.

There was a 7 pound spread from feeling thin to feeling obese. Now remember, I am tall, 5' 9", so 7 pounds isn't as much of an impact on me as on an averaged height female. But for such a change in body image? I am really shocked it was only 7 pounds because it sure felt like more. And today I basically weigh the same. The same as (only when I looked back), I thought I was thin.

To sum this up, I think I am really confused with my body image. I think I depend on the numbers on the scale (and other people) to tell me what my body image should be. Right or wrong, I think that might just be the way things are . . . for now anyway.

I'd really welcome anyone elses' experiences or thoughts concerning body image.

165.2

Soooooo close to a 164 point anything! Hopefully tonight's run will be what I need to just push me over. Once I get a 164 point anything number I will be less than 10 pounds (a single digit) from my goal! Now that seems to be nothing less than a miracle because I really didn't think I would ever be at 155 again!

Awhile ago I even contemplated dropping my standards, thinking 155 was unrealistic. I'm sure glad I didn't! Once I get to my goal, I'm just going to stay the course and see where things "bottom out". Then, that's where I'll choose to maintain. Although I do reserve the right to change my mind and just pick another goal.

A couple days ago I was at Costco (we just about live there) and I picked up a 20 pound bag of potatoes. Wow - was that ever heavy! I couldn't imagine that I was carrying that around with me 24-7. I suggest that anyone who has lost even 5 pounds, go to the grocery store and pick up a bag of potatoes, then pat yourself on the back and go buy some veggies.

It's no wonder my running feels so much better now. In hindsight, I'm amazed that I enjoyed running so much considering how much easier it feels now. I just feel better in my own skin and happy to be me.

165.2

Yeah! My time of pennance for the calzone seems to be over! Now that just begs the question: Will it stick?

Last night we went for a run and decided to do the hilly route again. So instead of 5 miles we went 6 (and hilly). So that should have burned a few more calories. Hubby gave me the option of shortening the distance because it was really hot but I said no, I was still running off the calzone. I didn't take an easy out and got rewarded for it this morning.

I'm still working on my closet, trying to reduce its size. I had huge gaps in it until I decided to take all my running clothes and put them in my closet. They used to be in a closet in another room. That also included my running vests and jackets. Once I organized all my running stuff it confirmed my suspicions. I have more running clothes than anyone ought to have. Most of it I've bought on clearance, deals I couldn't pass. I got rid of a few things last week and gave stuff to a friend, but I need to weed out more. I have some singlets that are so sweat stained that belong no where but in the trash. Why was I saving them? Memories I guess - ha! ha!

I've put a lot of thought into this weeding out clothes process. I'm just not going to hang on to anything that is too big. And I've gotten rid of tons of clothing. In the past I've done the same and then regretted it when I regained weight. But I refuse to have anything other than total confidence that this time IS different and this time I WILL keep the weight off. I'm gaining confidence in myself. So, I'll continue to work on reducing the size of my closet as I continue to reduce the size of me.

167

At least I lost 1 of the 2 pounds I went up yesterday morning. I was planning for a long run today but when we got up this morning it was already too hot so we scrapped it until another day. We'll probably just do a 5 miler this evening once it cools down.

I think it seems odd that I'm weighing in even numbers since my scale breaks down into 2/10th increments. I know my scale is still accurate because after I weigh in the morning I've stepped on it during the day and get weights within the 2/10th increments. But those are fully clothed weights so I only go with my morning weight.

Isn't it interesting that the 166 weight I was so fed up with on Saturday would have been so welcomed this morning? You'd think there was 10 pounds difference between 166 and 167. Instead it's just 16 little ounces. Less than one of those super sized sodas. Yet it seems like such a significant amount. It's all in perspective I guess.

Yesterday when I was blow drying my hair I noticed that nasty floppy skin that hangs under my upper arms that most women complain about (once they hit 40 anyway). I think it's worse since I've lost weight. Anyway I was just staring at it, seeing how it flops around when I moved my arms. I think if I was rich I would get plastic surgery to fix that floppy skin. I'd also get a tummy tuck, boob lift and chin lift (another saggy skin issue). I suppose if I'm going to do all that I might as well get lipo in the stomach area. And maybe all the fat that is sucked out of my stomach could be put in my butt cheeks. I have a very flat butt and could use some extra cushioning in that department. So, as I said, if I was rich, those are the things I would have done.

Unfortunately, I'm not rich and the odds are I never will be. So I'll never have those things done. But what I will do is maintain a healthy weight, stay active (running) and keep my cardio in great shape. That way if anyone makes fun of my flat butt, floppy arms, and droopy chin, I'll immediately throw my saggy boobs over my shoulder (so as to not trip), run them down and beat them senseless with my under arm flop. Oh, what a mental image I just got off that one. Sometimes I really crack me up!

168

I have mixed emotions about even writing this post. As I expected, my weight was up from last night's calzone. I even ran 6 miles (after the sun set) in hopes of burning off some of those calories. To further help burn them off, I added hills to my route. I think part of the reason I went up 2 pounds had to do with some dehydration issues too. I got so thirsty during the run that I asked a stranger for a glass of water. My throat was so dry that I thought for sure it was going to turn inside out. Then as soon as we finished running, I slammed down a bottle of water in less than a minute. Then once we got home, I slammed down another bottle of green iced tea. I just couldn't get enough to drink.

So even though it was the pits to see a larger number on the scale, I know it really doesn't reflect an actual 2 pound weight gain. That calzone was full of calories but not that many. After church I couldn't resist and when I changed clothes I stepped on the scale again and was down to 167.2. I expect within a day or so to be back to where I was (especially considering tomorrow is a long run day).

I think my dehydration was partially because while we volunteered for the county fair the last 3 days I didn't drink water like I usually do. (Just typing this is making me aware of the fact that I'm still thirsty.) We run 5 miles all the time without taking water with us and don't have problems but last night, I was thirsting to death!

Anyway, it's back to normal today in terms of being on my eating plan. I enjoyed my "walk on the wild side" but it's definitely not ever going to be part of my definition of "normal" again!

PS - Jen, thanks for your comment. You have NO IDEA how much I needed to hear that!!!!!

.

OK, I already blogged today but this is so big I have to add another post. Besides, maybe I won't post tomorrow because I anticipate it won't be good news. Since I haven't had a "scheduled cheat" since June 30th, I decided to go to the Italian restaurant today. Here's what I did wrong: I ate everything on my plate, even when I knew I was no longer hungry. Here's what I did right: I didn't ask for seconds.

OK, enough kidding, I really did over eat for supper. I had a spinach calzone. It wasn't as big as most of them are but make no mistake, it was still very big. I didn't get one filled with high calorie meats, I got a spinach one. But it still had a lot of deliciously fattening cheese in it. And that is still a lot of breading. The marinara sauce was so good that I'm sure it was higher in calorie than most. I also ate 1 piece of garlic bread. I washed it all down with water. No dessert.

So the damage is done and it was quite tasty. Now that I've done it, I'm going to digest for a few hours and then run 5 miles. The old me would have said that since I already blew my diet I might as well also eat dessert and every other thing that sounded good that I've been resisting, but the new me isn't falling for it. Yeah, I should have stopped eating once I was full, or even requested only half of it be served on my plate. But hey, I'm only human and part of this journey is to learn how to recover once I've made a mistake.

So I'm back on the wagon again . . . albeit with a very full stomach.

166

In review of my weight loss graph it doesn't take much insight to determine that my weight loss has really slowed down. I guess that's only normal since I've lost 2/3 of my weight but I wonder just how long it's going to take to get to my goal. I have to admit that when I woke up this morning I sort of dreaded getting on the scale because I knew there just wasn't going to be anything to get real excited about.

Maybe the thing I need to remember is that not too many months ago I wrote how joyful I would be to weigh what I actually do weigh today. I remember that I considered it a "dream come true". Almost like a "pie in the sky" sort of thing because it just seemed that far away. Now I'm here and I'm so focused on being at the end of my goal that I lost sight of the joy of where I am now.

I need to remember that the reward is not just in reaching the final goal, but within the journey.

166

Tomorrow is my "official" weigh in so I'm hoping to bump off this 166 ledge between now and then. I've been volunteering at the county fair for the past few days (today is the last day) so I have been surrounded by fair food. However, I have not given into temptation. Actually, the temptation hasn't been that great. It's just that staying on my plan hasn't been quite as convenient as usual.

Yesterday after we got done with our fair duties I was very hungry since it was 7pm when we got home. But we also wanted to go running in about 90 minutes so I had to have something fast that I could get digested so I didn't have to deal with a full stomach while running. So I ended up having 2 stuffed grape leaves and an English muffin. Then after our run I ate a granola bar. A bit unconventional but it kept me within my calorie allotment.

At the fair Bob won a certificate for 2 free pasta dinners at a local Italian restaurant. I love pasta but it is very high in calories. From the way the certificate is written it appears to be for 2 specific dinners so there's not a lot of flexibility there. We already planned to go to this other place later in the month for our anniversary. Maybe we'll go to the Italian place just before a long run or something. Luckily there isn't an expiration date on the certificate!

It is sometimes a lot of hassle to watch calories and be careful to not just to avoid weight gain, but to actually lose weight. And this morning I am very mindful of just how inconvenient it is. But in the next second my thought has to be "So what . . . the pay off is worth it, isn't it?" Yes, it most definitely is!!!

166

Yesterday's temptation was at the fair. I think I mentioned, as volunteers we are given food coupons. The coupons can be redeemed for a limited type of food items, all junk food of course. What I ended up doing was getting a pretzel (baked) plain with no butter or salt, and then just eating half of it. I figure that was around 200 calories and figured it in with my daily calories. I think I'm OK with that strategy. I had to pass up homemade ice cream and a ton of other junk food but I know I'm better off for it!

Last night I weighed myself before bedtime, usually my highest weight of the day. It was so low I thought for sure I'd have a new "lowest weight" this morning. Unfortunately I guess it was not to be. We're going for a 5 miler after the fair tonight so hopefully that will show up on the scale tomorrow as a 165 number. After all, I'm so close! But in the mean time, you know the drill, just moving along step by step, taking it one decision at a time and keeping my eye on my goal . . . and the numbers take care of themselves.

166.2

For some reason this morning when I woke up, I was thinking that I weighed in the 170's, not the 160's. So it was a nice realization that I am actually in the 160's. I wonder if that's because I'm getting older and losing my mind (at least my memory) or is it that I still have a larger body image. I suspect it might be the body image thing. I was chatting about this topic with my diet buddy just yesterday.

My diet buddy (Ellen) is someone that was matched up with me on a site I got from You On A Diet. If you'd like that address, post me a comment or e-mail me and I'll get the link for you. I just don't have it handy this moment. Anyway, my diet buddy and I have an amazing number of things in common so it's been a good support system. She just recently, last week, reached her goal weight.

Today's challenge will be at the county fair. Hubby & I volunteer a couple days at the fair and as part of our deal, they give us food vouchers. The vouchers come with a bunch of limitations on what you can use them for. In this case it's hot dogs, hamburgers, or huge (500 calorie) pretzels. Anyway, I imagine you can see the problem here. Nothing healthy. So I'll either not use the food coupon or just have half a pretzel. That's the plan. I'm hoping a Subway vendor will be there too.

Today I have to leave the fair early (piano lesson) so I'll be OK. Tomorrow I should know what my options are and if need be, I'll just pack a meal or some snacks to take with me. Or, I can just be hungry a little bit longer until I get home and can eat something low in calories and nutritious. Wow, that's a thought!

165.8

A new low! I suspect yesterday's 10 miler was responsible for my new low today and it very well might disappear tomorrow, but for today . . . I'll take it!! Besides, that 10 miler couldn't have made me weigh a new low unless I was staying with my plan, now could it?

I can't say how nice it is to not have to worry about the numbers, or feel out of control AS LONG AS I stay on my plan. The old me used to fret 24-7 over weight issues. Now, I just stay on track and the rest takes care of itself. Speaking of staying on track . . . my wedding anniversary is later this month and I've decided to do a "scheduled cheat". There's a new restaurant we haven't been to yet so we're going to go there. I haven't done a "scheduled cheat" since June 30th so I think I am more than entitled to it. I'll just be reasonable about it, enjoy my celebration, then get back to my plan immediately after. This is a skill I think I'll need to MASTER in order to successfully maintain my weight. So it will be good practice too. Anyway, it's still a few weeks away. And in the meantime . . . I'm feeling good!

167

"What the hell is up with that? "

Those were my exact words when I stepped on the scale this morning. I thought it might be up because before I went to bed it was up about a pound. But there's no reason for this!! I've been bouncing about the 166's, and now a 167?? I want to file a complaint against my scale, or whoever is in charge of "weight loss fairness" issues. Who is that person anyway because I want to slap 'em!

I guess the difference between me now and me prior to March of this year is how I REALLY feel about my weight going up this morning. Yeah, it sucks, but it'll come back down. I'm tracking all my calories and staying within my limits. So, it'll take care of itself. . . eventually.

I ran 10 miles this morning so that should "jar something loose", (either one way or the other). In the meantime, I did notice the shirt I put on this morning seemed a bit big on me. So I'll keep on keeping on!

166.2

Back again to my 20 pound weight loss mark. I think going for a run last night did the trick. Sometimes running is like rebooting my body and it gets things back to normal. I love running, you should try it.

166.6

Wouldn't ya know it, my "official" weigh in day and I'm up a bit. But the nice thing is that since a week ago, it's still in a downward direction (albeit not by much). I think that's why a weight loss graph is so important. It sort of smooths out all those up and down tenths that happen during the week.

I haven't run as much this week because my legs were sore from the hills. So we skipped the long run on Monday in favor of just a regular 5 miler. Then on Thursday when I intended to do a 5 miler again, I had pirformis issues and combined with the heat, couldn't knock out more than a 2 mile run. Tonight we're shooting for a 5 miler. Hopefully next week my running will be back to normal. Which in turn should produce more weight loss.

166.2

I'm glad I dropped back down today because I'm getting close to my "official" weigh in (tomorrow). Since it's the day I update my graph as well, I absolutely hate it when my weight fluctuates on Saturdays. I try not to do anything to cause it to fluctuate abnormally but you can only control so much.

I was talking with a friend who is just starting out on her journey to lose weight and it reminded me of how I felt when I first started my journey. I was feeling pretty panicky about my weight and totally out of control. I guess that loss of control feeling was the predominate emotion I had at the time. (Besides being mad at myself for having gained the weight.) Luckily, as a result of the past 4 months, I no longer have that feeling because I've realized it is so within my ability to control!

I was mentioning to hubby last night that the whole month of July passed and I didn't cheat on my eating plan once. I actually planned on doing a "scheduled" cheat once during the month but never got around to deciding when I would do it. I was saving it for when it was important to me and I guess nothing was ever more important than staying on my eating plan. Now that is a real accomplishment! Not just doing it, but the harder part was, thinking that way about it!

I looked over my list of reasons I want to lose weight and mentally checked them off as I read down the list. I have attained all of them, just some of them I would like to attain to a greater degree. For example, it is easier to run now but I know in 10 pounds it will be even easier than it is now. So although I could mentally check that one off, it was with a smaller check mark. After all, if I determined that all my reasons had been met, perhaps I wouldn't have any encouragement to continue to lose another 10 pounds.

I'm sure my health is better, although I didn't have any health issues before (that I was aware of anyway). My BMI is within a healthy range although I still carry excess weight in the abdomen area (yep, an apple shape). I know that isn't healthy, even though I've reduced it considerably. So this journey will continue. . . forever (and that's a very long time) but I'm OK with that.

166.8

Here I go again, bouncing all around on the scale. Actually I can't say ALL around because at least I'm staying in the 166 point something range. I realized yesterday that I was under counting the calories in my popcorn treat that I enjoy almost every night. I may have been off by 100 calories! That sure can have something to do with my "plateaus"! It was the ONLY thing that I don't measure because the first time I made some (in the hot air popper) I measured out the popcorn and thought I was using the same amount in the little cup that comes with it. But, as it turns out I have been gradually increasing it to the point that I think it makes a difference. So now I will positively weigh out the portion each time.

I'm one of those people who HAS TO have a snack in the evening. I plan for it and leave enough calories to accommodate that need. Of course physically I don't HAVE to have that snack but to keep me happy psychologically, I need a snack. So I figure as long as it's part of the calorie plan, I'm OK with it. However I do recognize that that "need" has contributed to the weight I've gained over the past however many years. So I do need to keep a close watch on it to make sure I don't cheat on myself. After all, no one lies or cheats like a dieter (except a politician of course)!

166

Surprise . . . a new low today! I stepped on the scale last night as I was getting ready to go running and saw it was lower than usual, especially since supper was only an hour away. But sometimes running can cause some real strange things to happen on the scale so it was a nice treat to see it lower this morning.

Yesterday I was rooting through some fitness clothing (on clearance) at a local store and found some running capri's for a good price. As usual, I grabbed the XL size. Usually fitness clothing is NOT generously cut and an XL in fitness gear, especially anything geared towards running, doesn't seem to be an REAL size XL. Anyway, I tried them on and they literally fell off. Hmmmm . . . nice! So I got dressed and went back and got a Large size. I returned to the dressing room and tried them on and if I pulled the draw string really tight, they would fit but the legs were still a bit loose for running. So I tempted fate, got dressed, and retrieved a MEDIUM. Again, for the third time, I returned to the dressing room and tried them on and they fit just fine. I don't know what happened there but I'm going to go with it! It did feel really good.

On that note, I have to mention that as of this morning I have crossed the 20 pound weight loss mark. It seems amazing to me. I think I'm going to go to the grocery store and lift a 20 pound bag of potatoes and just think about how I carried that around with me 24-7!

I think one of the things about losing weight "this time around" is that this time it was SO HARD to actually get started. I'm not sure why that was, maybe I wasn't quite as miserable as I was before when I weighed more, I'm not sure. But I want to remember how hard it was to get started because hopefully that will help me keep the weight off. After all, I think that's the REAL goal isn't it?